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pillarsalt · 2 years ago

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hi hello ms pillarsalt would you mind sharing what kind of iud you have? i have adenomyosis and my cycle pain has been getting progressively worse but i am terrified of hormonal birth control bc all the pill type ones i was on as a teen gave me horrible stomach trouble like to the point we thought i had Crohn's disease. but im also scared of the copper one bc my body has rejected metal b4. basically if u have a hormonal iud can you comfort me that it wont make me constantly sick bc i would like to stop passing out from pain at work and nobody seems to want to discuss this type of treatment yk

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this, it sounds terrible. As I'm sure you already know, I'm not a doctor and I can't tell you if getting a hormonal IUD will help alleviate your adenomyosis. I can tell you my experience with it, though. I have a Mirena IUD which is hormonal. Here is a screenshot from their website about the effectivity:

So right away I can tell you that before I had it installed nearly five years ago, my periods were heavy as hell. The cramps sucked of course, but the main issue was how much I would bleed and bleed. I would go through probably seven or eight superplus (heaviest) tampons a day and even have to wear a pad at the same time so I could get through a class without bleeding through my pants. I got it installed (usually they schedule it for when you're on your period so your cervix is softer), had a period for about a month afterward, and then my periods became so light that I didn't even have to buy menstrual products anymore. Basically there was a small amount of discoloured discharge that would signal that I was menstruating, with some very light cramps akin to when you ovulate. Now my periods are getting heavier again because I need to get it replaced soon, but apparently the pregnancy prevention aspect is still good for a couple years so it's not as much of an emergency as I thought (gotta find a doctor soon lmao).

I haven't had really any side effects that I could tell you about. I've had issues with mental illness since I was about 13 but they didn't get any worse with the installation of my IUD. Actually I'm doing better than I ever have in my adult life in that aspect. I haven't had any digestive issues like the stomach pain you mentioned, no weight gain or weight loss. My skin is clear almost all the time and I generally feel physically well.

Now, will it help with your adenomyosis? I think it's really worth talking to your doctor about. The hormonal medication in the device, Levonorgestrel, thins the endometrium, which is why I bled far less during my period while on it. The endometrium that builds up in the muscular tissue of your uterus and causes you pain may be lessened in the same way. This part of the website that states why some people can't use it concerns me:

Because 1. I don't know if or how much your adenomyosis changes the shape of your uterus and 2. if your stomach trouble was an allergy to the medication itself then you'll likely have the same problem here. Basically, you've got to find a doctor who will listen to you and talk this and other options out with you, because it's inhumane to let you keep suffering this way.

Good luck to you, I really hope you can find a solution. I know getting this sort of stuff figured out is daunting and feels impossible sometimes but don't give up. Do your best to find a women's health clinic or at least a female doctor. It's going to be okay!

#ask #mine #radfem safe

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plasteredwalls · 5 months ago

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Reminds me of that post of someone recreating a look from a movie like 40 years ago and they got the jumper spot on but it was a huge decrease in quality.

And now indulge me as I ramble about this because sustainable fashion is something I'm passionate about.

Companies swap to synthetic materials that costs less. Why does it cost less? Because high quality materials are running out and are therefore more expensive. So polyester is able to easily undercut the market by being "basically the same product but cheaper". Except its not. Its not the same. And I really hate companies who switch fabrics and be like "Omg look at this shirt it's made from plastic bottles we're so eco" THAT'S not a good thing! Because that shirt will not last and then we have to buy another shirt with the same rubbish material. Plus plastic stuff doesn't breath as well, plus can melt if you iron it too hard, plus a bunch of other things.

Recycling? Yes cool we should absolutely do it. But synthetic fabric closes the cycle of recycling and is still discarded quickly. If a primark t-shirt is in the same wasteland as a water bottle can we really say we did a good job?

Plus we have to consider why so much is being made that it ends up in landfill. Because not too long ago 6 sets of clothes was enough. They'd last forever, unless you worked in like a really damaging environment so you might need to replace work clothes more frequently. But now we have fashion seasons. We have trends that last months if not weeks. We have influences and brands telling us that what we wear is so last season and we need the new one.

Even if you're not in the mainstream fashion pipeline and think you're safe - what about youtuber merch? People shill put 100s for it and while some is good quality, some really isn't. And youtubers are, ultimately, a trend waiting to die. Some go quietly and its fine but some go before the merch can get its use. Just look at how many people spent so much money on Lovejoy / Wilbur Soot merch and now they can't wear it because they don't wanna be associated with him. That garments lifetime has been significantly shortened which is why I applaud people who put patches over merch they don't like anymore.

And coming back to OP's point because I as starting to get off topic - companies don't care about all these factors contributing to the low quality product. They actively want you to buy more stuff, they want trends to move on. They need to meet a demand they created to get you to spend money. If they're gonna keep up, they need to make their process as quick and cheap as possible.

Most garments today are overlocked and have the seam sewn down. That's it. And while that can be enough, the overlocker seam is usually still exposed to damage. Fancy seams that keep the garment intact waste time and money so why bother? Sure that seam wasn't done with the correct stitch and is already coming apart but they'll buy another shirt soon so who cares?

There's also an illusion of degradation. I had a top which had the entire bottom row of stitching come out and my mum suggested I throw it out because it's clearly old. How old was this top? 8 months. But in our minds 8 months of wear is definitely enough to justify it being past its best.

And lopping back round to the fabric quality debate, yes I've just ranted about how it's decreased hugely but expensive brands use the better quality materials so you assume they're overall better. But that means nothing if the stitching is the same shitty quality. £100 a metre fabric won't be saved by awful seams. Because construction quality is labour and is always gonna cost more than fabric quality.

Learn. How. To. Repair. Your. Clothes.

It sucks that we can't rely on "expensive but last forever" brands to give us something that will actually last. But if we repair our clothes and keep them in good shape then they will last longer. Finish off the bits the company isn't bothered to. Learn the fsncy seams. It sucks but it will save money and resources in the long term.

its actually insane how everything we buy now is just. unfinished. every clothes. every cloths. just. loose threads everywhere. ripped fabric. i should be able to get a refund, but i need this thing, i need something like it, something that will fulfill this purpose. what am i gonna get instead ? another crudely made excuse of a product ? an actual thing that will cost more than my rent and has a forty percent chance of being just as shoddily made ? everything capitalism has ever promised us is rotten, nothing more than mold dust & worn out wishes hanging by loose threads. im done.

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rant-2-me · 3 years ago

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My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

#mod peppermint #ask #anon #rant

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sunshinee-sunflowerr · 3 years ago

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When I saw this I was immediately triggered and that’s how I knew I had to share it. Other than the fact that it is important as fuck to share something like this. But the second part of that post almost aligns with what had happened to me with my ex Dan. I have issues with sexual dysfunction and tend to lose feeling down there and that leaves me feeling betrayed by my own body. I feel so worthless and pathetic already as it is when it happens because I’m sensitive and it is humiliating when I start to cry. I don’t even get to like fully enjoy something so intimate because I’m a very passionate person and I love all types of deep connection. And he ruined it. It had stopped being such a beautiful thing for me. The second I asked him to stop and that I had mentioned I wasn’t enjoying it, he became the person I didn’t think he could truly ever be. He laid down on me. Like I’m talking all of his weight was on me, and he whined about how good it felt to stay in me and finish. I felt nothing and everything all at the same time, I wasn’t being heard, I was just a body, and I didn’t matter anymore. This was someone who was stronger than me. This was someone who I loved and straight up disrespected me to the point where I myself are in a traumatic position, I had to literally match his thrusts just so he’d come faster because I knew that was the only safe way to get him off of me. And that was humiliating and violating. I had no other choice. And to this day this man still tries to say he didn’t rape me but SIR WHEN YOU DO SHIT LIKE THAT YOU ARE A FUCKING RAPIST. YOU IGNORED MY PLEAS AND MADE ME FEEL SO UNSAFE AND I FELT LIKE MY BODY WASN’T EVEN FUCKING MINE ANYMORE. YOU GAVE ME PTSD FOR ALL THE OTHER FUCKED UP TIMES THAT I HAD LET SLIDE BECAUSE I FELT COERCED INTO IT. YOU KNOW WHAT YOU DID AND I KNOW WHAT YOU DID. And what had haunted me every time I wanted to go somewhere, I had to take my car. It happened in my car. I had to drive myself after that with cum dripping down my legs. I had to see a flashback every time my mind drifted towards the back. I will never EVER let myself be in that position again. Dan broke me. I’m the one who pulled myself out and I’m still healing.

It was from 2016 and trauma tells no time, I’m lucky I don’t feel the weight of your body still pinning me down during intimate times. I saw you in the faces of whoever was on top of me. I would get panic attacks and cry. You fucking ruined me and my trust and I will ruin you if you ever dare try to come into my life again.

The Relationship Aspect:

Not many people know about the sleep fucking, or when you would take my thumb out of my mouth when I was asleep because I still had some hard time sleeping so I would suck my thumb sometimes and you would replace your it with your dick and then ejaculate down my throat and I'd wake up to such a horrible taste. My inner child does scream for she was only 15-17 and I let it slide because you had so much power over me and I did so much to make you happy even though it didn't make me happy myself. Let's not forget when I wasn't in the mood sometimes so you would turn around away from me with no sound nothing and straight up fell asleep because I said no or that I don't want to have sex with you. And then there were times where you would sexualize me, you would look up my skirt or you would look at my pants and tell me about my panty lines and basically scare me and make feel little. You were constantly pointing them out and laughing, conditioning me even to never wear comfy underwear, I have more thongs than any type of other underwear. And now I'm finally getting used to wearing normal underwear again just because I was felt like someone was doing the same shit that you did to me. I felt grimy. And let's not forget when you would steal my panties and you would bring them home and jerk off in them and cum in them and to top it all off you would bring them back to my house and throw them in my dirty laundry so they can be washed so you can repeat that cycle. And the worst part is that you probably took some before we broke up and I never got them back. Fuck you. How about all those times you never asked if you could cum in me but you still did even though I fucking hated it, and you’d get mad at me when your sheets were ruined because of you the mess you made in me and I still fucking hate it it's only such a rare occasion for me to ever let that happen during any intimate moment now. Also let's not forget your greediness for my photos. My naked photos that you kept to get off to even after we broke up and still demanded more and other shit when I was with someone else it was disgusting.

The Party:

Oh here’s a memory that’s gonna be fucking me soon, once late October arrives I’m going to be thinking about that night I decided to try and most past you. That fucking college party was the biggest gray area that was so painful and smoggy. It was grey because I was still figuring my shit out and mentally screwed up from the actions of you. I'll never forget, how are used to feel guilty and how are used to blame myself for all of this. And I got to a point where we had mutual friends and I just wanted to forget all about it and learn to forgive you. As soon as ready, Matt and I went to that party that Anthony was throwing and you were there, and you had no problem laughing off your drunk ass I front of me about rape jokes. If I hadn't been high and Matt being so drunk we would've left and I remember calling my mom in the hallway crying telling her about that little part of what happened that night. And then later that night you got so fucking drunk, made everybody your babysitter and I still fucking hate myself for the side you brought out even though you caused me so much harm. You brought out my fucking maternal side which I hated because like I said in that moment of time it wasn’t black or white for me, it was grey. It was so fucking gray. And I took care of you that night because you were so fucking drunk, I remember you asking me or saying something about how I hated you. And then later that night I ended up sandwiched between you and Matt, and you decided to touch me through my pants even when I was cuddled up to Matt and I thought maybe there would’ve been some change but in the end you were still assaulting me. I didn’t sleep at all that night, and it sent me backwards, I felt like all of the progress that I had made was gone it was dehumanizing and I threw out those sweatpants and they were brand fucking new and they were Calvin Klein my favorite designer which hurt even more because I used my money to get something I really wanted for comfort and you just stumble in cocked off of what 3 beers? And ruin even the smallest things that could’ve made me more comfortable? Heinous and out right disgustingly disrespectful.

Trauma talk aftermath:

I betrayed myself sleeping with you even after the rape, and you knew so much about me so I couldn't even fucking report it even though I had the proof of you admitting to what you did. But Im always scared because my reputation was at stake and it was so easily corrupted by your lies as it is. I had no choice. You could've easily ruined my life and I wasn't about to let you so I ruined mine but little did I know that you were already ruining mine. And you still haven't taken accountability for your actions and I'm still suffering the consequences of those horrible behaviors that you were still using to this day probably. And I can't even imagine how many other girls like me there must be now.

Here's to all the nightmares that circulate in my head at night still in that feeling of fear of having and experiencing that PTSD kick into hyper drive. And all the ones I've yet to have when I have new partners in my life, because I have nightmares of them doing the same thing that you did to me and it's traumatizing. Because even though I know they are not you for that split second I am terrified of them. And I saw another post about how when sexual assault survivors even get a whiff of the scent of their abuser they are in panic; and I honestly don't blame them. I was at school the other day, and in the air I smell whatever type of detergent was used to fill the air with your scent, I was in panic for a couple minutes looking around trying to figure it out where you were. It's so fucked up that you've had such lasting effects on me like why isn’t hating you and going through all of that trauma shit enough. And I'm so tired of the panic and anxiety attacks that you still bring into my life whether it is indirect or direct.

And looking back now after going off of that and emotional spiel about what you did and how I still feel towards these events today. I realize all the ways how I am not gonna be treated in the future. You saw the light inside of me, and when you stepped into my life that light dimmed within each day that passed that I saw who you were. And it took all of my power away; but I am taking all of that power back and you will never ever use it again and you will never have it in your possession because I know I will forever be a better person and not let you win. And I know that I wasn't a good girlfriend at the time as well but you were also I'm manipulative narcissistic asshole. And I blamed myself for all of the times that I was mad at you and thought I deserved it all. And I deserve none of that shit. It was you that didn’t deserve me and all the love I gave you. All of clothes I bought you, all of the stupid ass Pokémon cards i grabbed for you because I knew it was important to you to collect them, all of the silly $7 cards to go with each thing I gave you. All of the handwritten notes. Helping you match your clothes and fold your shit. Fuck you and for all you have taken from me and didn’t even fucking say sorry or be truly appreciative.

More Trauma Talk 2020-2021 edition:

Consent is so important to me, because it was stolen from me as a child, as a teenager, and as an adult. I want to take a moment to also talk about my second ex-boyfriend named Dan as well how ironic I never thought I'd say I love you Dan ever again. But the first night we hooked up, he was so patient with me which in all honestly is sad but it truly took my breath away with the time that he spent on me making sure I knew that I was safe because he knew that I have been raped. And every once in a while he asked me if I was OK and I thought that was the most amazing thing ever little did I know that that's actually what you're supposed to do and that it's not the bare minimum. And after all of that he still had one of those moments where he traumatized me and put me back into the place where you had put me days before Christmas… which is now a tainted holiday as well as Halloween for me. Thanks a lot.

Wow… fuck this is a lot for anyone let alone me to endure and/or read and I just want to say that felt so fucking good to finally write it all down and speak my truth and let others know that not every sexual assault or rape has to be violent (well it’s violence either way, but you know getting the shit beaten out of you stereotypical type) it can be sweet until it turns sour, it can be public, it can be sneaky, it can be with someone you gained the ability to trust who was so good in the beginning. It can be anyone and that’s the real scary part because I don’t know whose intentions are actually true until they read my stuff and reassure me about how they feel about me. It’s the only way and even then I’m still scared of wanting to be intimate with someone new. It’s another strong reason as to why I am practicing celibacy for a bit.

Finished on 9/20/2021

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rescueonefinancialnet · 3 years ago

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I'm on a ledge and I don't know what to do.

Strap in, it's a long one.

tl;dr my husband and I are currently separating stemming from an argument we had and I'm trying to give space the best I can, but being outright ignored is killing me because I don't understand. I don't know if I stick it out and wait or I just call it because it's hard. I've never worked harder at something before. (I condensed as much as I could, but not to save face. I will offer clarity if I can.)

So my husband and I have been married 2 years, together 8 (almost) and we share a 5 year old daughter. We had our daughter pretty young and as we were still figuring out what we wanted in life and how to get there. DH always had a timeline planned for things, but like most things, those plans changed.

Our fights are almost always the same: me feeling tiny and yelling to feel big so my feelings are heard and acknowledged and DH shutting down because he can't process it all at once and just wants it to be over. This has gotten better in the past year with more resolving, but still isn't 100%.

The first few years with our daughter were hard because we moved back in with my mom and stepdad so we could put money back and I'd have help with our daughter if I needed it. I felt like I was maturing and worrying about so much all at once while DH could just suck and weave so easily through things. Eventually we got our own house and there were still arguments, but definitely cruised on a high note for a while.

I found out about him lying about credit card debt his parents had accrued in his name. Then I found out about a laptop purchase he had hidden from me. Then I found out about multiple other things. And those were arguments. Not because he had gotten items, but because of the lying and hiding snd I felt betrayed. One by one I worked through them and the trust was still hard for me. I nagged a lot. I asked a lot for clarity and to make sure things were on time. It probably wasn't helpful because I didn't realize at that point that it's deeper than him wanting to, it's learned. And then by me being upset, it makes that need to hide things he wants even stronger. I don't want him to go without, but my mentality is we need to save OR it could've been used a different way.

Last year, I chose to separate. Not because I was out of love and didn't want him, but because I was tired of being put second to everything and everyone else. During this time, I slept with my best friend. I spoke to my husband prior to it happening because I knew it MIGHT happen. We had also spoken of this prior to separation and I was offered a "pass". It wasn't what I wanted like I thought. DH realized he didn't want us to be over and wanted to try again. We tried the whole Tinder thing for him so the tables were even because I didn't want resentment. He was opening up more with strangers than with me and that was a big conversation. He apologized profusely and I truly believe he didn't realize how big that was when all I want is to feel connected again. I ended up on tinder eventually too and we were "Open". He never had any luck with Tinder and I sort of did. We had lots of discussions about it and I finally told him I didn't WANT or NEED any of that. I wanted it with him but I felt left behind so I did it too. As far as I knew, we worked through all of those feelings, talked it out, etc. Everything had shifted and we were GOLDEN.

Over the years I've had many jobs here and there. Never been fired. I have a lot of health issues and get to points where I can barely function because I'm so exhausted. He's always been understanding of it but this past year, with Covid and everything else going on, it was difficult. He took a welding job before the shut down and it was rough. Mentally, physically and spiritually, it was so hard on him. And we'd talk about it sometimes but I never knew how to help.

DH and our daughter got Covid in November. At the end of their quarantine, we took a joyride after going to Sonic and ended up in a 3 car accident and we rolled our truck. It was totaled and lucky DH and my daughter were fine, I was okay too but pretty beat up for a bit. Then we found out MIL had cancelled our insurance due to a fight she and DH had. We owed $26k on the truck still and (at fault party's) insurance still hasn't fully reimbursed us.

In March, DH started having panic attacks about work. Mandatory OT was supposed to end months ago and never did. So 54+ hour work weeks doing physical labor, having no time to yourself, etc wears you down. I got a text saying he didn't want to be married anymore, didn't want to fight about it, but he hadn't made the car payment or went to work. We had no money. Rent was due. It came crashing down. And my mind went to worry, not anger. I was confused. We sat and talked and agreed therapy needed to be started as a couple and solo. We'd keep working on our own until then.

We lost our rent house. DH messaged our landlord when we got the last stimulus and never returned her texts so she gave us an eviction notice. 3 years to the day of us moving in. We had 11 days to move out which was ass. We moved back to my moms which neither of us wanted to do. (DH and my stepfather have a rocky relationship) DH went back to the welding job because he ended up not quitting but taking LOA.

So here we are, 2 dogs, 2 cats, a 5 year old, and us in a loft size room in my moms house. Daughter is scheduled for a tonsillectomy, comes and goes without issue luckily. He's moved around on anxiety meds then starts Celexa and changes. Subtle at first but then our friends notice too. DH starts having panic attacks again and is waking me up before work to tell me. I try to console him the best I can, we go back to sleep. He quit the job the day after our daughters surgery.

He's then stressed with being home around my stepdad without a job. Had a prospect but never heard back. The box is getting smaller and the problems are getting larger.

Our 2 year wedding anniversary rolls around and I'm sick the entire day. Like slept til 9 pm sick. He's trying to offer me solutions and I snapped. I was overwhelmed. But it doesn't make it okay. I react too big and I always have. So I apologized and explain why I reacted that way and it's just silent. All I need is a response to know I'm heard, if we're okay, if we need to touch back later. Nothing. So I say "if you can't give me a simple answer, I need you to leave" but I didn't mean forever.

He comes to his cousins apartment. Tells me the next day that he's out. He can't do the fights anymore. It's a cycle. But my question was "what have you done to break the cycle?" And I couldn't get an answer from him. I've been on meds, talked to a therapist. I've put in as much as I can alone. There's a communication barrier and it has to be broken.

He needs space. He lost himself and needs to figure out what he wants. He applied for an apartment 2 days later. Says we can still be friends and talk but right now the relationship is on hold until he's 100%. We need to be coparents. Ok. Heard. But I don't get clear answers on how I can correctly give him space. Everything is silence or "I don't know".

Right now I'm at his cousins with him and our daughter because my mom lost her mind last night then I found out today my stepdad has covid. They're both vaccinated and so am I, but our daughter isn't. I have auto immune diseases. I'm panicking because I don't know what the best course of action is. He was receptive to me coming, but since I've been here, he's barely acknowledged me. I brought it up tonight and told him if I need to go, to tell me. Told him I was confused because he mentioned playing games and then he set the Xbox up and went back to the other room. But he took that as guilting. His cousin has talked to me more today than he has. I picked him up from work and we barely spoke, but he comes in and starts having a conversation with his cousin about work stuff.

Am I wrong to feel confused? He's saying one thing but then actions don't match. I don't want to walk away when I believe these are things we can repair and build stronger with the correct tools (counseling) to communicate effectively but I feel abandoned right now and I don't feel like a person anymore. I'm trying to respect his need for space. I don't want to be here at his cousins but it's the only place we COULD go. And I know he knows that. But I can't keep riding a see saw when I just want to understand but I'm not supposed to ask.

And in no way am I trying to downplay my part. Time apart has made me realize a lot of what I need to work on and I am. But i can't take the full brunt when it's not all me.

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watercolourferns · 1 year ago

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Another a bit more convoluted way to view stopping the fast fashion cycle is to realize trends are useless.

You like a piece because it's cute? Buy it and wear it. It went out of fashion by next month but you still like it? Who cares, just continue to wear it till you grow out of it, you decide you don't like it anymore and to pass it along to other people who might like it, it's literally unusable, a long list of etceteras that don't pertain trends.

Trends exist because we think they're important. But they're not. I've literally been wearing clothes that were in fashion 10 years ago, and who cares about it? Maybe some lost person who peaked in their junior year and think the real world is the same way. Otherwise? Meh. There's people literally wearing fashion from 100 years ago, there's people who like wearing Roman tunics because they're comfier and prettier and more practical to them!

The moment we realize that trends are useless and that we have a right to wear whatever we want because fashion is made up and there's no real rules (not getting into laws, just rules of society) and there's no fashion police, then trends will die. And as such fast fashion will, too.

We also have to take into consideration one thing, though: Fast fashion could be the only way some people are able to get cute clothes they like without having to diy them from thrift stores. And I think that's where the classism part many people see and misinterpret comes from.

This is gonna be long, so the rest is under the cut. vvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvvv

I come from a third world country. A dress from 42lolita is still expensive to me, in fact any alt fashion is very expensive to me. Why? Currency exchange rates and the USD still being what dictates how expensive or how cheap my currency is why. It sucks? Yes, but that's how late stage capitalism is.

I'm also disabled, I battle chronic fatigue, pain, scoliosis and mental health issues that have made DIYing and thrifting stuff harder as the years go by. At 36 I don't have the same energy as at 26 because of this. Plus, in my city there's only a handful of places I can thrift without being charged like new scammy prices.

If I can find an alternative to alt fashion brands that I can afford I will! Why? Because fashion brings me personally joy, it's one of the few things I can do without exerting myself so much I need two days to recover. It boosts my confidence, and it makes me feel cute and happy with myself like very few things can.

So I think the problem in Lolita fashion has always been wording and a lack of real options. It gives way to misunderstandings and people not realizing that there's more issues than just Lolita being expensive and scammers taking your money.

It's more complicated, and both sides need to see this. But I've been into Lolita for almost ten years now and nobody seems to understand how complex the problem is because they always hyperfixate on one side or another or a completely different one.

So the problems with Lolita are these:

Lolita is inherently classist at it's core. It's supposed to be niche, and exclusive from the moment brands put out just a reduced number of pieces of each print or design at prices that not everyone can afford... so not everyone can afford them. Sorrynotsorry, that's how it is. It's designer clothes, you need privileges to be able to buy them. (There's a reason Momoko lied so much about getting money and was seen as a rotten girl... amongst other things.)

Lolita is inherently discriminative at it's core. Sizes aren't inclusive, if a fat girl wants to wear Lolita she needs to modify the dress to fit her because there brands don't have that very many sizes, even now they don't. If a guy wants to wear Lolita the very same thing happens.

Lolita can be more sustainable than fast fashion but it's incredibly harder to get and it's gotten harder to get with the surge of places like LaceMarket, bodyline's decline, and the new facebook's ban on the word Lolita itself so the selling groups are harder to find. And if prices were prohibitive then, they're even more now...

Lolita is NOT EASY TO TAKE CARE OF. This brings me back to the classist part. A ton of prints run when washed, specially the red ones. Many pieces need to be dry cleaned and you can't really do that at home. They need to be stored correctly or the bones in the corsets and cage skirts can warp. And the petticoats can deflate so they need SO MUCH SPACE. If they need repairs and you don't sew you either need to learn and use good quality threads (expensive) or find a seamstress that actually knows what they are doing. I've seen so many pieces be destroyed because a seamstress thought she knew what she was working on and in reality she didn't. These are things not everyone has access to.

Lolita is viewed as wearable collector's pieces almost all the time almost every brand, almost any piece. It's not a practical fashion and at least in the West people haven't found an alternative like in Japan (Girly kei is "off duty" fashion for many people, and Lolita dresses are used at more formal occasions like walks and meetups and tea parties from what I've seen at least). And that's just... problematic. Why? Because there's no "casual" pieces that you can wash and wear and not be so scared of ruining at all. Bodyline had those... but there's been a decline in the brand and there's less and less variety. And also because in the West we still haven't broken away from the labels. If you're a Lolita that's all you can be, and wearing anything else makes you not Lolita. I dunno if it's still reinforced as before but it's a problem that people don't have in Japan. That's why many Lolita brands also pulled out Fairy Kei pieces, swim suits, etc. You wear Lolita dresses because you like them and there's no rigid substyles and stuff like over here...

Okay, these are the main problems with it that I've seen in the years I've worn the fashion. Taking them into consideration people can't blame others for trying to find an alternative. These problems also create a sort of community where egos grow and spill and people try to gatekeep because of the sheer amount of effort it takes to actually wear Lolita, if not for anything. Discounting the amount of real bigots in it, of course.

So, now, the final biggest problem I see and where the misunderstandings come from: A LACK OF EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION.

One side sees "I can't afford it!" and the other side sees "Don't fall into scams!" but neither can communicate it correctly. It's easier to say "Don't get that 20usd dress!" than to go into detail about scams, too. It's harder to explain all the effort that goes into the dresses without sounding like a snobbish classist, too. I understand that. But in all my years it's been extremely rare when I've found someone that is willing to put in that effort, to sit down a new Lolita and explain to them "Look, ebay isn't a good place to buy the fashion because it's a scam, it feeds into our pollution problem by creating unwearable pieces that you then have to throw away, and you end up with none of your hard earn money and no dress and sad. While yes, the value of the dress is important because of reselling and because they've been treated almost in their entirety as wearable collector's pieces, it's okay if you need/want a cheaper alternative. Let's look up other alternatives that you can afford..."

It sounds like going too much the extra mile and being too accommodating and "a you problem not a me problem" thing? but it's helped so many people in personal experience! It reduces misunderstandings, it reduces classism within the community, and it opens up new alternatives. As the OP said, we're usually looking for cheaper alternatives to many things because boy the bills rack up...

Now, sweet person who's read this far, how does this pertain fast fashion... well...

THE SAME APPLIES TO FAST FASHION!!!

Telling someone not to buy from it and to find an alternative without really knowing why they buy fast fashion and without giving them an alternative is classist and inconsiderate and gives way to so many misunderstandings.

Yes, FF is a very problematic thing, very dangerous to everyone, and pollutes like crazy... but there's people who can't afford anything else. And saying "If you can't afford it then don't buy it, fashion is a luxury" falls under classism as well.

It's a privilege to not have to buy fast fashion. It's a privilege to be able to buy real brand stuff from alt brand stores and not knocks off from ebay, and not risking your money on scams because you can actually afford shipping or even if you can DIY your pieces from thrift stores or walmart clothes. Those are privileges not everyone can indulge in.

And fashion could be the only thing between a person and their death. I've known people who had told that had it not been for Lolita they would've unalived themselves a long while ago... I'm one of those people, too.

So... the problem is far more complicated but it ultimately boils down to late stage capitalism, against which we are practically powerless.

But we CAN do our little bit following some of the things OP said: repair what you can, reuse what you can. Also, try to find pieces, even if they are fast fashion, that are better made than others. Yes, there are pieces like that. I have several skirts from Shein, not all of them are made the same way. One of them will fall apart in a couple of years of constant usage and it's impossible to iron. So I repurposed it. The others are kinda thin but they are way better quality and will last so much longer, a couple of them are second hand in fact. Same with my jeans from there. They might not be levis, but they have lasted this far... and with good care will continue to last..

Anyway. I'm done I guess. Just remember to always check your privilege when speaking about these things, that's mostly where misunderstandings come from tbf...

My friend is getting some crap on instagram about perceived classism in the lolita community, and as someone who runs a budget-focused lolita fashion blog, I'm going to rehash some of the old "but I can't afford burando!" conversation.

For some background reading, here's where I bought three "lolita" "dresses" off ebay, and what I actually received for my money. And here's a breakdown of one of those specifically. I'm linking to these because I want everyone to remember that the pictures on ebay, amazon, wish, etc do not represent what the actual piece you receive will look like.

Lolita fashion can be expensive, but the less expensive end of legitimate lolita fashion is not actually as expensive as many people think it is. It's not all $300 for a dress and $60 for a pair of socks. There are options that bring the price down to other fashions. It cannot compete with the hyper-fast fashion of Shein and H&M and other places where the clothing is designed to be disposable. This is because lolita clothing is not disposable. Even modified or damaged, lolita fashion pieces have resell value. It's very common for people to be wearing garments that are over ten years old. There's also a lot of documentation about how hyper-fast fashion is damaging to the environments where it's made and the people who made it.

Okay, so that's all very fine and well, but it's true that recognizing that something is worth the money doesn't actually get you the money to buy it. There's a lot of things that I recognize are worth the money it costs to buy them, but that I don't have the money for. I don't drive a high-end electric car, even though I think it would be a better choice for me, because I don't have the money for a high-end electric car. So I do, very distinctly, understand that. I'm not about to tell someone "just save up for it!"

But, when someone tells you that you cannot buy lolita fashion on wish dot com, they're not actually saying "you won't be accepted in a wish dot com dress." They're saying, "any money you spend on a wish dot com dress will be wasted, because you will not receive a usable garment." Let's play pretend for a second. You come up to me with $20 and say, "I'd like to buy clothes." I say, "Good. I'll sell you some clothes." I then take your $20 bill, rip it into small pieces, eat all of the pieces, and say, "that's your clothes." Now, you didn't actually get any clothes from that, and there's no way you're getting your $20 back because I have consumed it. Your friend comes up to me and says, "Hi, I'd like to buy clothes." You say, "Don't give her that $20! It will be a waste of money!" Your friend says, "That's classism, because I only have $20." That's the conversation that's happening right now on my friend's instagram.

Classism does exist in the lolita fashion community. It can even come from people with good intentions. But, when it comes to buying on Ebay and Amazon and Walmart.com, people who are saying, "you can't buy lolita fashion on walmart dot com," aren't saying, "we won't accept your walmart dot com dress, because it was cheap." What they're saying is, "the thing that the site is telling you that you're buying and the thing that you will receive are going to be two different things. The thing you will receive will barely be a garment." There's a reason why, when I say "lolita dress from ebay," I have to typeset it as "'lolita' 'dress' from ebay," because it will probably be neither lolita nor a dress.

If you're new to the fashion and want a good shopping resource, 42lolita is a reseller/shopping service that will tell you what the shipping will be up front. Many other resellers will send you the shipping costs after you make the purchase, which makes it harder to predict what you'll be paying. You won't be getting a dress for $20 on 42lolita or anywhere else, but the prices they charge are more in line with shopping at a department store, rather than shopping at a big name designer store. There's a lot of other ways to purchase lolita fashion, and I just used 42lolita as one example.

The number of people who genuinely want the fashion to be as expensive as possible is not all that big. Even people who occasionally buy a $300 dress enjoy finding inexpensive accessories and support pieces. Finding lolita-usable jewelry on the Walmart clearance rack is a thing that's exciting to most people in the fashion. If there was a secret to buying $20 dresses on ebay and getting something that could be used in the fashion, people in the fashion would absolutely already be doing that.

So anyway, yeah, there's classism in the lolita community, but telling someone that they should not give me $20 for clothes when experience shows that I'm just going to rip it up and eat is not classism. Friends don't let friends spend money on badly made replicas on aliexpress.

#lolita fashion #girly kei #fast fashion #alt fashion #very long post #rant #fern is speaking

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